12.31.2009

and what looms, retching forth from that disassociative root? a new and darker webblog, who, like those blissfully degraded derelicts, will sink into the rapture of their own suffering, clinging to that desperately useless but tidy contentedness that something glorious must emerge from such dank squalor. yet, once the unbearable has already eaten through you, leaving you standing, still, skinless but relentlessly breathing, persistance and cruelty come to enjoy the patience of your own mercilessness. at last the punishment now befalls you while a hidden sliver of your psyche agrees, yes, you deserve this torture...surely you will spend hours gazing upon your scars, those private little catastrophies, their warmth so dear beneath your blackened suns, so intimate, so truthful and divine as these enduring transgressions we hope never to belie....oh,...we'll make such memories.....such fun....:

call it SELF-PHLOGELLATION.

12.23

not allowed to have shows at bleakhaus anymore, and that has really been fucking me up. suddenly realized how fucking awesome it was having people over every month for noise, metal, booze and silliness, and without it, the haus is so cold, dark and lonely....yeah...i don't get out much. and now i don't go out at all. just sit in my room depressed. can barely get to work at all, keep calling in sick and staying in bed for days. should be working on new comix, or trying harder to get the anthology published, but instead, here i am feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing. completely deflated. christmas doesn't help. it's a struggle every year since my family rarely contacts me, don't have any close friends or lovers, and am generally filled with feelings of doom and despair.

i know, i should just kill myself and get it over with...but even that sounds boring and uninspired.

how wretched am i?...

10.13

the windows broke during the moshpit at the last bleakhaus show, and then the p.a. disappeared, 3 checks bounced and all looked very dark and bleak for a long long time. one of the roommates is moving out, which always causes weirdness and drama, but i am sad to see bri leave as she is my favorite, but i completely understand her reasons for wanting to ditch this place. so, litquake is coming up, i'm a little nervous. will try not to get too drunk. especially since alcohol has hanging out with me too much lately. it's no substitute, or maybe that's all it is. but, you know, we all get lonely sometimes, just trying not to beat myself up over it or carve my oversensitive heart out of it's hiding place. it's much safer out of reach of people for now. my birthday's coming up, this might be why i'm being so numbingly melodramatic. so to celebrate being one year closer to death, maybe i'll go skydiving. or get a tattoo. or quit drinking, shave my head and move to berlin. ...yeah...i am getting restless. perhaps writing some new comix, recording some new music and installing the new p.a. might help transcend the static.........pft......i'm sure it couldn't hurt......

09.16

the 9/11 bleakhaus show was fun. made twin towers pinatas filled with toy army men and chocolate for my friend's birthday. had a pretty good time at sf zine fest this year, though times are tough all around, at least i broke even. there's photos here: http://www.flickr.com/itlooksliketherealthing doing lots of noise shows and litquake is coming up, but it looks like i'll have to pass on APE again this year due to lack of funds...BASTARD!!! just glad i still have a job at the record store even if it does pay shit. found the cromags age of quarrel on vinyl in the dollar bin, so that makes up for it...

08.11

i am attempting to code the blog since yahoocities lies in dust, however, it might look all munchy for a while....uh...yeah...so anyway, the next zine fest is coming up so i'm doing what all other zine makers in the city are doing right now...bgah!!

07.02

what have i got to say other than my short vacation away from people into the mojave desert did me a world of good. i've been invited to speak at litquake this year, so exciting..!!! even though i have no idea what i'm gonna say, i'll try not to be too bitter.... a big huge thanks to zoe at thrillhouse for putting my comix in her store!!

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